30 days...

Lastnight as I sat in the airport, I thought of my life. There has been a revolving door with people entering. And the sad part about it, many have left their baggage with me. While most would be mad, I've come to the realization it's time I dump this stuff MySelf. Asking people to take ownership is like pulling teeth. I will own my OWN mishaps and let it go.

The next phase of my life fully depends on my ability to began the process of healing myself. Most people start this process after bad break ups, divorces etc... That's great and commendable. But my process stems from harboring resentment,bad feelings &unresolved relationships etc.. 

Today, I no longer want to be Her. I no longer want to carry this weight. I'm not bitter but I'm definitely NOT better. Today, I want to start the journey of embracing better. Today, I want to began the process of healing myself. How can one do that? It starts with forgiving Yourself. 

We've all been hurt before. And if you're like me, rather than facing the hurt you've covered it up with something else. Today, I'm letting go. I physically began the process by removing some items out of my home: Closure. I also started a journal to keep track of my own growth. Somethings you cannot share with others, they just won't understand. Today begans the journey of Cheneka living a fulfilled life, with no pretense & no expectations of others. 

Yesterday I allowed raw emotions to take me to a place that acknowledged I need to be healed. 

My loves, my journey may not be yours and that's ok. The thing is we all have something we're battling. I totally encourage you to journey with me on your own path of healing. 

Signed, 

Day 1, I cried 

Lessons

I was once told that I write best when I'm hurt. Today, I beg to differ, I write the best when I've learned a lesson. Personal lessons are definitely ones that stay with you the longest. 

I was reminded that Life is the ultimate teacher. Each lesson comes with a small price to pay. Some lessons are valued at a penny and others, there's no value equivalent to the lesson you learn. 

 Today, I learned that it's more important to value yourself than to expect someone to acknowledge your worth. We're worth the truth and no lies, we're worth more than Im sorry and I'll do better. 

As I shed a few tears today, for once they did NOT come from a place of pain but a sincere place of closure. I'm a natural born fixer but I'm learning that I cannot fix everyone and everything and I have to be okay with it. I do know, the lessons I've learned in these past 2 years have not been all bad. 

I've learned to stand alone and be okay with it. I've learned the energy I produce will be the energy I get back. I've learned that no matter what in the end, I have to be okay and happy with me 1st before I can help anyone else experience happiness.. 

They say when a woman is quiet you should be worried.. I've learned that it's better to be quiet than to be a babbling fool.. Everyday my son reminds me, " Mommy be calm, it's ok" and for once I embraced and welcomed the "Ok".. 

Signed, 

Just another Lesson 

I must Continue....

 "The process of closing out one door can be hard if it's not properly closed"....

I can't move, I just can't move! I just need to see her face, I don't know why I vividly remember that line from The color Purple but I do( Random, I know)... After hearing Sunday's message it made sense. That was Miss Celie's way of shutting the door. Sometimes it can be a physical door and sometimes the "door" represents whatever closure we need.

And it hit me, I need to close out a few of my own doors. We all tend to get caught up in feeling like we're past something or we're totally healed until that situation faces us again. It can be something as simple as a bad relationship, or even a good relationship we let turn sour. Sometimes we have to close the door on family, friends, jobs and relationships( just to name a few) that mean us NO GOOD( a door I've walked thru more than once but NEVER properly closed)

I'm learning, it's not that life is all hard, it's just we go thru it carrying so many scars that it makes us hard.Saturday I feel and scrapped both of my knees something serious.. I was walking to the car, holding my son. He made a slight movement I lost MY Balance and down I went... Hmmmmm, such is life. We carry so much un necessary weight until it soon weighs us down and we fall. Saturday, when I lost my balance it happened so quickly that I didn't give myself time to physically lay out in the middle of the parking lot and wail( extra I know), I caught myself, got my strength and got backup. And trust there was an audience ( go figure, a group of teenagers LAWD)... I heard one of the teens say, "ya'll seen that lady fall just now", someone else yelled out and asked if I was ok, me: YES and another asked if the baby was okay( who by the way is 1 and can walk but of course I was rushing so I picked him up) which he was. A mother knows to shield her baby!! As I finished that sentence it hit me, so many of our problems come from carrying grown people... Shoot, we have to let them walk ya'll!!

It's funny but in life we have that same type of meddling audience. However, they ask questions not out of concern but out of being nosey and making sure we're down for the count. Everyone is NOT a cheerleader. and out of 10, 7 will slightly wish the WORST for us anyway.

My Pastor, Dee Murphy said it best on Sunday," we cannot go into tomorrow because previous doors have not been SHUT... and when we SHUT the door we are shutting out ALL of the doubters"...  The worst types of doors the leave open and un attended are the doors that lead to mess.

Today, I'm closing a few doors. What we consider memories are sometimes clouded with thinking we need to keep the person within reach. While I walked this morning, I played my iTunes. I had to go through a number or artist of which I don't listen to, to get to who I was initially looking for. Guess, I need to close the door to some of that music too. Then I thought of my contact list, yeah over 1,000 numbers and 1/2 of those numbers are of no real use to me,I must go on a deleting spree too.

Shutting doors and leaving them SHUT is the only way we properly heal and boldly walk into our tomorrow. Today can only be as strong as the mess we left in our yesterday....

I must continue to be of good courage and strong. I must continue to go where no 1 has gone before( and not space, the Final frontier).. there's a mission with my name on it.. There are people I must help. It's a job that was created for me before Me... and I must continue BUT first let me SHUT these doors....

Let it go...

I read something lastnite night that said, If something doesn't want to be kept, let it go...

Hmmm, I've been thinking about it every since.
What do we do with our dogs when we take them out to the park? We let them roam and run freely. After they've exerted all of their energy they come back. Why do they come back? Because they feel loved and valued by their owner. If they didn't feel loved or valued, I'm sure they wouldn't return.

Just like with people. Some of us value good friendships so we keep them healthy. We talk when we're hurt, we talk when its all good. We talk when we need to yell and we talk in the calmest voice when just sharing.

What makes letting go so hard?
Is it the fear of facing the unknown, is it not trusting yourself to live with the decision you are making..

I'm reminded of this song by Heather Headley"
When you love someone you gotta let them go and if they come back it means so much more!

If it troubles you , Let it go
If it hurts you, Let it go
If it makes you feel unsafe, Let it go

But if it supports you..... You make the call!