15 years later....

Normally, I get thru it. My day is filled with being a mommy, KISS and countless other little people, that I'm not effected anymore. But for some reason, yesterday was extremely hard. On this day( 8/25/2000), I along with then boyfriend Raemone( yup, Chelia's twin) made a decision that forever bonded/ changed us. I was pregnant, with my 1st child Davhon Raemone. I remember everyday leading up to 8/25 so vividly. I had the most awesomEST midwife in the world Catherine Walker. Gosh she was amazing( to this day I still send her cards because she later became my friend and she helped me to deliver Chelia). I had gone in for a routine appointment. But something wasn't right. We were looking at the ultrasound and she called in a doctor. The words that flowed from her mouth I don't remember, I do remember, " Cheneka your baby is very, very sick". He was diagnosed with Congenital Heart disease failure. One of his arteries did not properly form. I remember Catherine saying, " on a scale of 1 to 10, his survival rate is extremely low. He will have immediate surgery upon delivery".. All I could say was, "What do you mean sick"? I let out a scream that felt like my whole world was going to end. Because it was such a routine appointment, I had gone alone. All I remember was going into this big conference room, calling my aunt and his father. I don't remember how I got home or anything after that. 

Completely numb...

That was a Tuesday. That Thursday night I went to church for prayer and to hear from God. My heart and mind were at Peace. But it hurt so bad. At that time, we felt that was the BEST decision for our child.  That Friday, I was admitted into the hospital to deliver my son, Davhon Raemone Hobbs-Johnson. We were surrounded with lots of Love on that day. His father did not leave my side( even on yesterday, though we're miles apart we checked in on each other), while I was in labor. 

The day progressed and it was soon night. I had this very uncomfortable feeling and the urge to pee. With assistance, I gathered myself and went to the bathroom. Who knew I was actually about to push my baby boy out. My midwife and doctors on call ran into the room. From what I was told and from the pictures I have, he was my complexion and looked a lot like me. He was weighed a little over a pound and a 1/2. 

I've learned to cope with this day and the tears that fall. My only regret was that I did not hold him. My mindset at that time was, " how can I hold him if I could not bring him home with me". Our families held him and kissed him and his dad walked him down to the mortuary. 

We later had him cremated and my midwife delivered the pictures, the measuring tape used to measure him and his footprints. 

I had started a journal to write to him and up until the 20th of August, I wrote daily. Yesterday I sat and read some of the old entries. I was never able to get to know him but the memories I have of carrying him will forever stay with me.. 

Today my lovies, never second guess yourself or the decisions you have to make as a parent. Some decisions will be easy peasy. Some will make us cry but at the end of the day You do what's right. 15 years later, the only thing I would do differently is hug him and say, "Mommy Loves You"... 

Signed, 

Always Your Momm